What is the best car never built?
The best car never built?
The Felixicator 65X, of course.
Students of motoring history might guess that this is a car that not only hasn’t been built, but wasn’t even imagined until I started answering this question.
Like any truly great car, it needs a long and fascinating history, so the Felixicator story starts in 1909 with Henry Ford’s younger and more creative half-brother, Felix.
Stranded in Japan after several years in Germany and France, Felix Ford turned his mind to building a car that would be sold in any colour except black.
We don’t have space to fill in the next 100 years beyond pointing out that, although overshadowed by Henry’s larger concern, the company started by Felix has always been far more adventurous.
You can customise most aspects of the new Felixicator 65X on your computer. The finished car will be shipped to your door by AutoAmazon in a cardboard box protected by those little foam pellets that will outlast the sun.
You can hit the Check Out button on a day the Australian dollar is strong, and you never have to see a salesman hand balloons to your kids.
Even in its standard form the Felixicator will sprint from rest to 100 kilometres in 5 seconds flat while using 1 litre per 100 km. And that’s a litre of any liquid at all, except bottled water, which is plainly irresponsible and bad for the environment.
Felixicator always includes lots of clever interior features.
The large red button on the dash enables you to automatically zap the ignition of the idiot on the phone in the next lane, because he’s unsafe. Or the poseur in the dayglo Nissan with counter-rotating hubcaps. Because, well, you can.
The 65X accommodates the number of people you want to convey, and not a single extra: ‘I’d love to take you along, my dearest drunken old uncle, but as you can see my car has only one seat’.
If you do opt for passengers and one of them is saying something boring or irritating, the volume of the sound system increases automatically.
The 65X changes colour and even shape to meet your needs. It dresses up when you are going on a date or to a business meeting, and dresses down when you are negotiating a sharper price on the rent, or mixing with your anarchist/conceptual artist friends.
The special paint never gets dirty, except with the 4WD model, which is always filthy so you don’t look like the sort of idiot that only drives it around town.
The bumpers are – and this is a radical idea – stronger than anything you might hit.
The Felixicator has a conscience too. By which I mean it isn’t just frugal and clean running. It asks itself the big questions. Should I be emitting less? Should more of me be recyclable? Do I even need to be making this trip? Have I clearly and independently thought through my attitudes to Iran’s nuclear program?
Sure, it means the 65X has many long dark nights of the soul while alone in the garage. But hell, it’s better to have a machine do that for you too.
Fortunately, like most ESP systems, this conscience can be turned off. After all, there’ll be times when it is plainly necessary to speed up to block some taxi, which you just know will otherwise immediately slam the anchors for a fare or try to execute a U-turn across four busy lanes. No person or machine should ever feel guilty about that.
Thanks to Felix’s international outlook, the car that bears his name (and that of his business partner Nobu Icator) is styled in Italy, engineered in Germany, built in Japan, costed in China, has Australian air in the tyres, and is never touched by anyone from Detroit.
If you hear of a car half as good that really has been built, buy one today.
Tony Davis
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